Dead Fish in a Box

The chronicles of a suburban fishpimp trying to keep it rural.

My Photo
Location: United States

Thursday, July 28, 2005

The Fishpimp's Supreme Court Nominee

This is a largely apolical blog, but I have to give propper respect to U.S. District Judge John Coughenour, the judge in the trial of Ahmed Ressam, for his comments at the sentancing. In case you don't remember, Ressam is the fellow who got busted bringing in explosives from Canada in an attempted plot to blow up LAX. Here's the final section of his statement:

"I would like to convey the message that our
system works. We did not need to use a secret military tribunal,
or detain the defendant indefinitely as an enemy combatant, or
deny him the right to counsel, or invoke any proceedings beyond
those guaranteed by or contrary to the United States
I would suggest that the message to the world from today's
sentencing is that our courts have not abandoned our commitment
to the ideals that set our nation apart. We can deal with the
threats to our national security without denying the accused
fundamental constitutional protections.
Despite the fact that Mr. Ressam is not an American citizen
and despite the fact that he entered this country intent upon
killing American citizens, he received an effective, vigorous
defense, and the opportunity to have his guilt or innocence
determined by a jury of 12 ordinary citizens.
Most importantly, all of this occurred in the sunlight of a
public trial. There were no secret proceedings, no indefinite
detention, no denial of counsel.
(***Cue "Battle Hymn of the Republic" here***)
The tragedy of September 11th shook our sense of security and
made us realize that we, too, are vulnerable to acts of
terrorism. Unfortunately, some believe that this threat renders
our Constitution obsolete. This is a Constitution for which men
and women have died and continue to die and which has made us a
model among nations. If that view is allowed to prevail, the
terrorists will have won.
It is my sworn duty, and as long as there is breath in my
body I'll perform it, to support and defend the Constitution of
the United States.

We will be in recess."

Damn! Makes me proud to be an American! Someone should turn this scene into a movie and punctuate it with a ringing smash of the gavel and a cheering gallery of patriotic citizens. You can't write stuff this good. I just hope the story doesn't get burried in the news and everyone gets to think and talk about what has been stated by this Ronald-Regan-appointed judge. I'd write more, but I'm going to go put a stars & stripes bumpersticker on my Ford truck now.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Simon Strikes Again!

It’s time for me to get back to my roots; it’s been way too long since I’ve written anything substantial about the fishhouse. If you’ve been following this site for a while you may remember I periodically pass along the pearls of wisdom offered by our sales manager, Simon. Someday I’d like to set up my archives by category so all the Simonisms could be accessed easily, but I don’t know how to write all that HTML-codey-code stuff. Anyone want to help this poor white boy pimp out his blog? I’ll hook up you with a bag of prawns.

Anyway, this Simon guy is a real piece of work. I honestly wonder where he learned to speak English. Here are some of the latest from our 22 page list:

· That’s 1200 out of 1600 Lbs, so it’s 2/3rds of the problem!
· You’re the master of your own destiny; when they cut off your head then I guess you’ll be headless.
· Like I always say: “Somebody’s ‘aw, shit’ is someone’s good deal”; our pain is somebody’s misfortune!
· It’s never our fault, even if they’ve got photos and affidavits; it’s never our fault!

Simon’s favorite target is The Baron. One full third of the list is about him, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t include some of the Baron-whipping:

· Baron, you’re pissing me off, but I’m going to constrain myself (restrain)
· He’s heading for the border? Shit, they’re gonna get scared – they see that much mass and they’ll think we’re moving troops!
· Remember that poem about all the king’s horses and all the king’s men? Well I think you cracked bigboy!
· Are you gonna parasail at the lake? You gotta! I’ll pay you. No, not $50, I’ll pay you $25. Bigboy, you gotta step up; if Goodyear’s got a blimp, the fishhouse has to have a parasail. We’ve gotta expand!

Seriously, a bag of prawns (or a nice slab of salmon) to anyone who can help me with an archival system. Word.

On an unrelated note: This is unacceptable.

Monday, July 25, 2005

I Have a Drinking Problem

Here's what's on my desk; this is what I've been drinking today:

I am bouncing off the freaking walls right now. Normally, the coffee is enough to keep me going, but today the Punkin' bought me this Tall-boy Rock Star. Holy Toledo! I think I'm going blind; it's just too much! I rode the bicycle in today and I'm afraid I'm going to come down too early; that there'll be a massive energy crisis right as I'm clipping in for the 13 mile homeward sojourn. That's going to suck. In the mean time I'm really enjoying everything going on around here; this is almost as good as the nitrous at the dentist's office!

In other news: you might not of heard, but Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France again. I'm not much for hero worship, but speaking as an amateur cyclist, watching that guy is beyond words. Seeing him go up and over those mountains in the manner he does is so ridiculous that all I can do is laugh. He is a joy to watch, and, as our national reputation continues to take a beating abroad, is a fine ambassador for the American people. The whole thing is almost enough to make me want to move to Texas.
Ok, if there had been any doubt that I've had too much caffeine, it has just been removed; the closest I'll get to Texas is Tacoma.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Leave it to the Professionals

This is why all my fishing takes place here in the warehouse.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I Smell a Law Suit Coming

I heard this radio spot for VW this morning. It sounds just like something Luke would have written. It goes like this:

"Civic Center"
-Yeah, I’d like to enter the demolition derby this weekend.
"You drive the demo circuit before?"
-No, but I just got a new Jetta, blah blah, Crash test, blah blah, Highway Safety Board.
"You wanna crash your new jetta?"
-A small price for victory when you’re… Iron horse!
"Iron horse?"
-That’s what I’m calling my new Jetta.
"We already got an Iron Horse."
-Oh… then I shall be Evil Iron Horse It’ll Iron Horse versus Evil Iron Horse; loser is banished from demolition driving…forever.
-You realize you’ll be up against 30 professional stunt drivers who are trying to destroy you and your car?
(pause)Viva Iron Horse!*click*

I think someone stole a page out of Luke's "notebook of hilarious comedy ideas." Hell, he even drives a Jetta. Where do you think the idea came from?!?! This is an outrage! It's an insult to humanity!

At least it's an entertaining outrage.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Unisex bathroom

Further documentation that the grocery industry is scraping the bottom of the barrel for help was brought to my attention today. A major grocery chain in the area just built a new store and it has only one unisex bathroom. I was told by my client that when informed the bathroom was open to persons of both sexes one female employee exclaimed (in complete sincerity):

“Oh My God! I could get pregnant!!!!!”

Sunday, July 17, 2005

The People Love the Hydro Races

I had work tickets to see the M’s play Friday night. I was feeling pretty good about going to see the game; I signed up for this game months ago, and it turns out to be the game in which Rafael Palmiero should get his 3,000th hit. I called one client who I knew was a big baseball fan; he told me he probably couldn’t make it. I said “C’mon, man! How often do you get to see someone get their 3,000th hit?”

“Well, I go to see Rod Carew get his 3,000th. Does that count?”

“Shut up. You’re off the list.”

I gave two of the tickets to someone else. He sent his wife & son, so I didn’t even get to talk fish. Oh well.

Palmiero got the hit on his third plate appearance. The crowd went nuts. Big time. It seemed to me that the Seattle sports fans were growing in maturity, appreciating this great Baseball milestone. They put up quite an ovation, louder than anything they offered before or after. That is until the green hydro won the hydro race. *Sigh.*

Saturday we went for a hike. Mrs. Fishpimp is training for her climb up Kilimanjaro next month, so she wanted to drag me up & down steep hills for an afternoon. I suggested Granite Mountain – it’s pretty steep – 4,000’ gain in 4 miles, but it was pouring at the trailhead. So we went to Plan B: we headed over the pass to the Salmon La Sac area, which’s name is almost as fun to say as its neighbor – Wish Poosh. We ran the Little Red Zipper (our Honda civic) up 7 miles of “unimproved” road to the Knox Creek trailhead, poor little the Zipper. The trail switches back & forth up Thorp Mountain through some beautiful alpine meadows. Unfortunately, the weather we went East to avoid decided to follow us over the hill, and the beautiful view was seriously reduced. Then it got a little breezy; we put our jackets on. To this point it had been pretty dry, but the moisture on all the brush overgrowing the trail completely soaked my pants and ran down into my boots. Then it started to rain. Damn.

When we got to the top of the ridge I found a sheltered spot and dealt with my footwear situation, dumping a good ½ cup of water out of each boot, and wringing another ¾ cup from each sock. At least my feet weren’t cold – cold, wet feet is pure misery when there’s no shelter to be had. We remembered reading something about a lookout at the top of the mountain, so we pressed on through the wind & the rain.

I hate hiking in weather like that because it fogs up my glasses something fierce. I kept thinking about my Chilkoot trail ordeal of ’99 when I got separated from my group and wandered way off trail – grande bad deal. It was so wet that my boxers were sticking to my legs – I made a big move up the rock face and tore my drawers from stem to stern! Fortunately one of my teammates heard my cries of consternation, and we Marco Polo-ed our way back together.

We got up to the top of Thorp and lo! There was a fire lookout, but it appeared to be all boarded up. Fortunately, that didn’t stop me from trying the door. It was unlocked! Yee Haw! We holed up, dried out, & ate lunch while we waited out the storm. We were totally unprepared for that kind of weather – Jeff Renner said sunny & 70. Bastard.

Once it cleared up it turned out to be a pretty nice day. I actually got some nice photos once the clouds lifted. Unfortunately, between the extra drive time, waiting out the storm, and, and the emergency DQ blizzard run into Cle Elum we were late getting back into town and we ended up missing the annual fishhouse picnic. Damn, no hot dogs. Instead we cracked open a bottle of Zinfandel and enjoyed steaks in the sun in the back yard. All things considered, not a bad weekend.

I need to make one more note on last Friday's ballgame. My wife surprised me again. She's not a big sports fan; she couldn't tell you who is leading the league in OPS or lead a discussion about the finer points of the infield fly rule. But when Sammy Sosa broke his bat on a Joel Piniero fastball she knew enough to stand up and yell "Check it for Cork!"

That's my baby.

Winner! Winner! Chicken Dinner!

After hanging out with all these Scots in L.A. and hearing endless repetitions of "LET'S GET PISSED!!!" and " Alright, we've got a piper down, we've got a piper who's down!" I realized there is an enormous hole in my DVD collection. Actually, my collection is meager at best, with hundreds of holes, but this one is “Friggin Huge!” So I went on over to the old Ebay Emporium and found a used copy of “So I Married An Axe Murderer” open at $1.99 with no bids. I took a flyer and set my bid max at $5, well below the “this’ll piss off the wife” threshold. In two days no one else bid on it, so I won. Despite what all y’all say, I am a Winner!

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of having one’s self validated by the purchase of a used entertainment product from an on-line auction. It’s very exciting. Very exciting, indeed.

Friday, July 08, 2005

The Fishpimp's Guide to L.A.

A few months back I got word that a good friend of mine, the former blogger known as "Neil the belligerent Scot", was getting married. Hooray! Now we've got an excuse to visit the UK thought I. Not so fast - turns out my main caber-tossing, kilt-wearing, sheep-shagging man hooked himself up with a chick from L.A. Hooray! Now we don't have to shell out for a visit to the UK thought I - and, in this age of value-added products, we could bundle our wedding trip with a few days in Hollywood with the star of the summer blockbuster "The Island", Luke Thayer. Luke is a good friend of mine from our time driving tours in Skagway, AK, and tragically, we've seen very little of him since he took off for the Golden State. Needless to say, we were looking forward to this weekend with great anticipation.

Since the wedding was to take place on the Queen Mary, we flew in & out of Long Beach, which is apparently the heart of the Segway Scooter craze. We jumped in the upgraded Buick Century and rolled up to Studio City. Our plan to meet Luke for dinner, so we decided to take in some of the sights. First off we stopped in at Universal Studios, and immediately turned around when informed of the $53 admission price. Instead, we headed back down the road to Hollywood Boulevard. It reminded me a lot of 1st Ave. in Seattle - where Pike Place Market is located - it's one of the landmarks where tons of people are trying to make a quick buck off the tourists. The farther one gets from the landmark, the sleazier it becomes. There is, however, some very interesting stuff - unfortunately, Senora Fishpimp wasn't too interestd in the Erotic Museum (she's still working on that scarf - see 2 posts below). After we'd seen all the stars on the walk of fame we decided to take in a show at the Kodak theater; the Fishpimps give "Batman Begins" 4 thumbs up - best Batmobile ever, bar none.

On the way back to Luke's, we popped into the local Ralph's for some breakfast fixings - we figured, His Bachelorness wouldn't have a ton in the fridge. How right we were:

That box on top is actually empty. There was, however, a nice selection of condiments on the refridgerator door.

Needless to say, we opted to dine out. Back to Universal Studios we went, this time skirting the amusement park, sticking to the contrived little commercial area they call "The Citywalk" We had average Chinese food with below average service. Luke's fortune mentioned something about little boys, so we split post haste. We decided to cap the evening off with a new sock exchange, and wouldn't you know it, Universal Studios has a sock retail store on premise! How convenient! Luke, predictably, failed to hide his homosexual nature and bought me these lovely powder-blue Care Bear numbers. The wife got the hot-pink citrus themed socks from me, complete with lemon wedge shaped tassels on the heals. Luke received the coolest socks of the bunch - they're little alligators - complete with teeth on the soles. Pretty cool, pretty cool.

The next day I woke up early to make breakfast for the team. I knew Luke graduate from Washington, but his kitchen brings new meaning to Bachelor's degree. He didn't even have a kitchen knife. I considered prepping breakfast with his scissors, but headed back to Ralphs instead. At least it's a short trip, and it takes you right over the scenic Los Angeles River. After some delicious chorizo & eggs we headed out in the Buick to play tourist. Our first stop was the LaBrea Tar Pits. I half expected to see a statue of Fred Flinstone out front, but honestly, it's a very cool little spot, especially if you're into natural history. We watched the paleontology grad students play in the asphalt, brushing the crud off the skeletor of a 200,000 year old giant ground sloth. There are some cool interpretive displays and you can even get yourself stuck in the tar yourself a la Wooly Mammoth.

"Dude, what a sucky way to die!" exclaimed our host.

You said it, broheme.

After LaBrea our tour winded through several prominent areas; Sunset strip, Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, Ventura Blvd, Mulholland Drive, and past some prominent landmarks; the Beverly Hills Wilshire Hotel, the Capitol Records building, and Luke's Favorite: Flynt Publications.

We returned to Luke's pad for lunch. His building is reminiscent of Melrose Place, not that I'd know anything about the show, but Mrs. FP. said so. It's a very manculine pink colored complex with a center courtyard containing a very inviting pool. His landlord is an interesting fellow - he reminded me a lot of the police chief from "So I Married an Axe Murderer". After delicious burritos from Trader Jose's the Mrs. went for a run and the men christened Luke's deluxe Scrabble board. Luke & his Scrabble Dictionary were summarily demolished by the Fishpimp. It wasn't pretty.

Keep reading, buddy.

That evening we dined at a swank Hollywood bistro that Luke frequents, apparently, they are renowned for their succulent & delicate hot wings. Actually, the place was pretty ghetto, but it's one of the few places one can get microbrew on tap. Plus the waitresses are all hot. There were a bunch of what appeared to be "gangstas" playing pool, then again I might have just been profiling. They did, however, have excellent taste in music, as one man rolled up to the juke box and programmed a lovely selection of N.W.A. classics from their 1988 release "Straight Outta Compton". I couldn't help but nod my head to classic prose like "life ain't nothin' but bitches an money!" (ah, so true) while Luke attempted to woo our beautiful, yet completely obtuse server. While he may have ultimately been successful, Luke abandoned the endeavor when he realized just how dense she was. He decided he'd rather show us his favorite star on the Walk of Fame:

We then went on to see some wonderful long-form improv by a troupe he holds in high esteem featuring Dave Holmes of MTV and "Fire Me...Please" fame. Very entertaining. We put an exclamation point on the evening of entertainment by watching Luke's favorite Family guy episodes on his lovely bigscreen T.V..

In the morning we sent him off to sell $5,000 watches and $2,000 sunglasses while we packed up and headed back to Long Beach. Here's the picture of Luke going to work:

Instant Poll: The title of this picture should be:

a: "Cheezy Rider"

b: "Born to be Mild"

c: Other

And here's one last photo from Hollywood, it's a picture of Luke with his biggest fan:

I'm really running out of steam on this post, but I'll tell you that we had a lot of fun at the Wedding, it was a blast. There was a Piper (who never did go down). We drank a lot. Two disappointments: the best man's toast went on for 20 minutes, and Neil's dad didn't stand up after the ceremony and shout: LET'S GET PISSED! Which, according to him, is not an uncommon occurrence in Scotland. Here's a photo of the blissful couple

Hey! Nice dresses!

Actually, most guys I know, off the record, think kits are pretty cool - seriously, they don't give you a dagger to wear with your rented tuxedo!

OK, I'm done, but Neil - don't think I didn't enjoy the wedding, it was awesome, we're very excited for you, were honored to be there, and can't wait to see you & your bride soon!

Fishpimp out.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Spell Check Your Check

I don't really know what to write about this check, other than it's pretty funny to me.

"Two-fiddy five" HA!

Coming Soon: The Fishpimp's Guide to Los Angeles County.