Dead Fish in a Box

The chronicles of a suburban fishpimp trying to keep it rural.

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Location: United States

Friday, July 08, 2005

The Fishpimp's Guide to L.A.

A few months back I got word that a good friend of mine, the former blogger known as "Neil the belligerent Scot", was getting married. Hooray! Now we've got an excuse to visit the UK thought I. Not so fast - turns out my main caber-tossing, kilt-wearing, sheep-shagging man hooked himself up with a chick from L.A. Hooray! Now we don't have to shell out for a visit to the UK thought I - and, in this age of value-added products, we could bundle our wedding trip with a few days in Hollywood with the star of the summer blockbuster "The Island", Luke Thayer. Luke is a good friend of mine from our time driving tours in Skagway, AK, and tragically, we've seen very little of him since he took off for the Golden State. Needless to say, we were looking forward to this weekend with great anticipation.

Since the wedding was to take place on the Queen Mary, we flew in & out of Long Beach, which is apparently the heart of the Segway Scooter craze. We jumped in the upgraded Buick Century and rolled up to Studio City. Our plan to meet Luke for dinner, so we decided to take in some of the sights. First off we stopped in at Universal Studios, and immediately turned around when informed of the $53 admission price. Instead, we headed back down the road to Hollywood Boulevard. It reminded me a lot of 1st Ave. in Seattle - where Pike Place Market is located - it's one of the landmarks where tons of people are trying to make a quick buck off the tourists. The farther one gets from the landmark, the sleazier it becomes. There is, however, some very interesting stuff - unfortunately, Senora Fishpimp wasn't too interestd in the Erotic Museum (she's still working on that scarf - see 2 posts below). After we'd seen all the stars on the walk of fame we decided to take in a show at the Kodak theater; the Fishpimps give "Batman Begins" 4 thumbs up - best Batmobile ever, bar none.

On the way back to Luke's, we popped into the local Ralph's for some breakfast fixings - we figured, His Bachelorness wouldn't have a ton in the fridge. How right we were:

That box on top is actually empty. There was, however, a nice selection of condiments on the refridgerator door.

Needless to say, we opted to dine out. Back to Universal Studios we went, this time skirting the amusement park, sticking to the contrived little commercial area they call "The Citywalk" We had average Chinese food with below average service. Luke's fortune mentioned something about little boys, so we split post haste. We decided to cap the evening off with a new sock exchange, and wouldn't you know it, Universal Studios has a sock retail store on premise! How convenient! Luke, predictably, failed to hide his homosexual nature and bought me these lovely powder-blue Care Bear numbers. The wife got the hot-pink citrus themed socks from me, complete with lemon wedge shaped tassels on the heals. Luke received the coolest socks of the bunch - they're little alligators - complete with teeth on the soles. Pretty cool, pretty cool.

The next day I woke up early to make breakfast for the team. I knew Luke graduate from Washington, but his kitchen brings new meaning to Bachelor's degree. He didn't even have a kitchen knife. I considered prepping breakfast with his scissors, but headed back to Ralphs instead. At least it's a short trip, and it takes you right over the scenic Los Angeles River. After some delicious chorizo & eggs we headed out in the Buick to play tourist. Our first stop was the LaBrea Tar Pits. I half expected to see a statue of Fred Flinstone out front, but honestly, it's a very cool little spot, especially if you're into natural history. We watched the paleontology grad students play in the asphalt, brushing the crud off the skeletor of a 200,000 year old giant ground sloth. There are some cool interpretive displays and you can even get yourself stuck in the tar yourself a la Wooly Mammoth.

"Dude, what a sucky way to die!" exclaimed our host.

You said it, broheme.

After LaBrea our tour winded through several prominent areas; Sunset strip, Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, Ventura Blvd, Mulholland Drive, and past some prominent landmarks; the Beverly Hills Wilshire Hotel, the Capitol Records building, and Luke's Favorite: Flynt Publications.

We returned to Luke's pad for lunch. His building is reminiscent of Melrose Place, not that I'd know anything about the show, but Mrs. FP. said so. It's a very manculine pink colored complex with a center courtyard containing a very inviting pool. His landlord is an interesting fellow - he reminded me a lot of the police chief from "So I Married an Axe Murderer". After delicious burritos from Trader Jose's the Mrs. went for a run and the men christened Luke's deluxe Scrabble board. Luke & his Scrabble Dictionary were summarily demolished by the Fishpimp. It wasn't pretty.

Keep reading, buddy.

That evening we dined at a swank Hollywood bistro that Luke frequents, apparently, they are renowned for their succulent & delicate hot wings. Actually, the place was pretty ghetto, but it's one of the few places one can get microbrew on tap. Plus the waitresses are all hot. There were a bunch of what appeared to be "gangstas" playing pool, then again I might have just been profiling. They did, however, have excellent taste in music, as one man rolled up to the juke box and programmed a lovely selection of N.W.A. classics from their 1988 release "Straight Outta Compton". I couldn't help but nod my head to classic prose like "life ain't nothin' but bitches an money!" (ah, so true) while Luke attempted to woo our beautiful, yet completely obtuse server. While he may have ultimately been successful, Luke abandoned the endeavor when he realized just how dense she was. He decided he'd rather show us his favorite star on the Walk of Fame:

We then went on to see some wonderful long-form improv by a troupe he holds in high esteem featuring Dave Holmes of MTV and "Fire Me...Please" fame. Very entertaining. We put an exclamation point on the evening of entertainment by watching Luke's favorite Family guy episodes on his lovely bigscreen T.V..

In the morning we sent him off to sell $5,000 watches and $2,000 sunglasses while we packed up and headed back to Long Beach. Here's the picture of Luke going to work:

Instant Poll: The title of this picture should be:

a: "Cheezy Rider"

b: "Born to be Mild"

c: Other

And here's one last photo from Hollywood, it's a picture of Luke with his biggest fan:

I'm really running out of steam on this post, but I'll tell you that we had a lot of fun at the Wedding, it was a blast. There was a Piper (who never did go down). We drank a lot. Two disappointments: the best man's toast went on for 20 minutes, and Neil's dad didn't stand up after the ceremony and shout: LET'S GET PISSED! Which, according to him, is not an uncommon occurrence in Scotland. Here's a photo of the blissful couple

Hey! Nice dresses!

Actually, most guys I know, off the record, think kits are pretty cool - seriously, they don't give you a dagger to wear with your rented tuxedo!

OK, I'm done, but Neil - don't think I didn't enjoy the wedding, it was awesome, we're very excited for you, were honored to be there, and can't wait to see you & your bride soon!

Fishpimp out.


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