Dead Fish in a Box

The chronicles of a suburban fishpimp trying to keep it rural.

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Location: United States

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

My Fishhouse buddy, the Punkin has been bustin' my chops about not making any sales since I split. Well, I've closed two in the past three days, suckafoo! After 10 weeks of training it feels damn good to get something on the board. Now I just have to back it up.

In other news, the Seahawks are still going to the Super Bowl. I keep waiting for Lucy to pull the ball away from the Charlie Brown Hawks, the whole process is surreal. Either way we'll be firing up the smoker and the 26" Trintron for some pork and pigskin on Sunday (I tried to talk Mrs. Fishpimp into the 62" modle at Costco yesterday to no avail). Feel free to stop by - but let me know ahead so I can keep the fridge stocked. We may not have Irish Car Bombs again (last week's aftermath could be desribed as "devastating"), but I've got something up me sleeve. And if the Seahawks revert into the SeaChickens we can all crowd around Mrs. Fishpimp's new grow lab for some light therapy.

And don't forget the ping-pong! Booyah?

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Bud Lite Daredevil, Local Fishpimp join forces.

This is a photo of my buddy, DJ taken at Qwest Field on Sunday. Apparently, after several hours of 'self-administered anesthesia' he walked right up to Mr. Ferguson and got his photo taken, completely ignoring the 20 people waiting patiently in line. The mob moved in for a lynching, but was quickly turned back by the strong odor.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Viva Los Seahawks!!!

So I guess the Seahawks are actually going to the Super Bowl. That’s some crazy sh*t, man. It just doesn't compute. Between all the information I’ve been ingesting for work and challenges fixing on our fixer-uper home my mind is having a very hard time wrapping itself around the concept. Of course I could have used the brain cells destroyed by the celebratory Irish Car Bombs in processing the euphoria. The best part, so far, about the Sea-chickens accomplishments is that traffic was super-light (for Seattle) coming home tonight – I guess I wasn’t the only one who woke up with a headache this morning.

One bad thing about the Quest Field Conquest is that it exposed more evidence proving controllers/accountants are strange people. Our controller strolled in this morning and said she was disappointed in the Hawks’ win; it wasn’t competitive enough for her. She apparently has never worked the coronary unit at Harborview. Hell, one of my coworkers didn’t even turn on the game until mid-way through the 2nd quarter because he didn’t think he could bear the strain. I told her we didn’t want her negative attitude in the sales office because we are all positive thinkers. Ha! Seahawks fans are by definition *not* positive thinkers. She told me to get a life, which, coming from a controller, didn’t mean much.

We had a great time with our friends who made it over for the game. We, ever the foodies that we are, made a bunch of pizza dough for a pile-yer-own-pie feast. The people made some great looking pizzas. I’d wish I had stomach-room to enjoy them all, but I’m just glad I had an appetite! Two weeks from now, in honor of our recently vanquished foes, we will be dining on Carolina-style pulled pork sandwiches from the smoker!

Afterward, we enjoyed the spoils of our raid on my parents’ basement and played a few rounds on their ping-pong table. The lack-of-sobriety was mitigated by the improved lighting I installed on Saturday. That’s right, Johnnie Fishpimp installed him some track lighting! The room now has a real stadium feel to it. It’s bight, man. It’s so powerful you’d expect Hank Williams Jr. to come out singing “ARE YOU READY FOR SOME PING-PONGGGGGGG!!!!!”

Well, you’d better be, because we’re going to do it all again for the Superbowl!!!

Go Seahawks!!!

Friday, January 20, 2006

One Night in Portland

Greetings from the Rose City! We’ve got our training on in Portland this week, and, as far as these sort of things go, it’s been pretty fun. As I have mentioned previously, the executives in this company are really in-touch with the people on the street and know how to have a good time. Wednesday night they took us to Henry’s downtown for dinner and drinks. After the meal we all headed upstairs for an impromptu pool tournament. Last night we all dined at Stanford’s – about 30 of us altogether. The VP of the West region ended up sitting across the table from me – the guy who answers directly to the CEO of this Billion dollar company. I was a little nervous about that; the evening had already taken a few strange turns – on the way to dinner my mid-40’sish female Filipino co-worker demanded a pit-stop at a convenience store for tampons and came back with some hard-core porno magazine for the three men in the car so we wouldn’t feel weird about her purchase. I suggested she not turn that receipt in for reimbursement.

Fortunately, I knew the VP enjoyed a good time, so I had ordered up a couple bottles of wine. Every time he got up to greet someone I’d refill his glass. He definitely had a god time. Another of my co-workers does, among other things, cartoon voice-overs. He does a very respectable Gipetto (sp?) impression. Apparently "the Man" is a big Pinocchio fan – he was telling us about another executive named Vito who is loveingly called Gipetto, so he asked my partner to leave this guy a voicemail in character about how he was going to get crushed in the upcoming contest. I have to admit, it was a solid impression, and a great voicemail. But then the VP forwarded it to every exec in the West. Every. Single. One. My partner spent the rest of the night on the phone looking for a new job. Good times had by most.

Oops, gotta go, there’s a breakfast buffet with my name on it.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


There's been a lot of publicity for the new Georgia Aquarium since it opened earlier this year, so we, as a family of Fishpimps, had to check it out last week. First of all, it cost nearly $45 for two, and that doesn't include the interpretive guide. When I was informed that I'd have to fork over an additional $2 for a brochure that contains the information generally posted at the displays in other aquariums (like the names of the fish you're looking at!) I became indignant. The very Southern gentleman staffing the booth told me "I got these ones in Spanish for free, but you can't read them."

"Don't you tell me what I can and can't do! I speak Spanish!" I snapped back in an attempted homage to Monty Python's "Life of Brian" ("Don't you oppress me!"). And I do speak a fair amount of Spanish, especially when it comes to the fish. Unfortunately, it came out more vicious than humorous and I ended up with a Spanish guide looking like a full-on jerk. It's a good thing Mrs. Fishpimp wasn't within earshot, or I'd have a Spanish guide looking like a full-on jerk with a sore arm. I think I got my Karma today when a vending machine stole the $2 I had saved earlier.

The Aquarium itself is certainly above average. They pump the fact that it's the largest in the country, and second-largest in the world (behind one in Japan or some other country full or 'furriners' as they say down there), and that they have a pair of whale sharks in the main exhibit. The whale sharks and the main display definitely are the highlight - so if you go, see them last, because everything else is a let-down afterward. In fact, other than the main exhibit, the rest of the place is rather pedestrian. And my favorite part of the whole display wasn’t the sharks, but the cow-nosed rays, they fly around in a large school like a flock of alien-looking sea-gulls. They’re totally-friggin-cool. They’ve also got some huge groupers – like 200-pounders. I did get some evil looks when I mentioned “You’d need a pretty big BBQ…”

You can take the fishpimp out of the fishhouse…

On the whole I was much more impressed with the Vancouver Aquarium (their Amazon exhibit is beyond description), but if you’re in Downtown Atlanta, have a lot of spare cash and an hour to kill, check it out.

Friday, January 13, 2006

The sales training we just finished yesterday was great, I'm really ready to go rent some shirts and pants now! It's always fun getting thrown in a room with a bunch of strangers from all over the country. I'm always fascinated to see what makes other people tick.

Mrs fishpimp flew into town last night. I took her out for her birthday. We were both exhausted afterward so we flopped on the couch an watched a little TV. I have an admission to make: if I'm flipping channels and I come across the Family Feud Finals I'll always watch. Such was the case yesterday when the final category was given: Name something people robbed in the Old West. The first person said "Banks" - for 25 points. Her sibling came out and also said banks, and got buzzed. Then, after what seemed like a long pause, contemplating life in the Old West, she settled on what was the obvious choice:

"Convenience Stores!"

Monday, January 09, 2006

Y’all Be Goin’ On Vacation?

Greetings from the A-T-L! The company flew me to Atlanta for some training this week, and I chose to take the direct flight, which means flying Delta. I’d only flown Delta once before, and it wasn’t a very pleasant experience. This flight was better, but still not enough to change my opinion of the airline; when I ask for cream in my coffee I don’t want milk, for the love of Pete, I want cream!

The marginal service, fortunately, was mitigated by my seatmate; a fascinating young woman, who was raised in Utah by Quakes, and is now working on her PhD in Violin performance. Quality conversation during air travel is always appreciated. She told me this interesting story about how the TSA is profiling musicians. Outrageous!

I had another interesting conversation with a fellow from New Hampshire while waiting for the hotel shuttle. He’s in town with HP for a group meeting involving a number of European colleagues. He was expecting one to meet him at the depot. When he didn’t show we departed, only to be turned around for a late arrival. When we picked up the new guy Mr. New Hampshire says “Are you, by any chance, Paul?” And he answers, in a London accent, that he is, indeed, Paul. So my main New Englander assumes it’s his contact and strikes up the conversation. Ten minutes later we find out that He had the wrong Brit named Paul – this Paul works for Kimberly Clark in marketing. HA! All those English guys look the same anyway, how can anyone tell them apart?

Then I had a third interesting conversation with the front desk agent here at the Doubletree Suites. Her name is Fatou, and she is from Senegal. During her tour in the Peace Corps Mrs. Fishpimp was stationed in The Gambia, which, save for about 15 miles of coast on the Atlantic, is completely surrounded by Senegal. Her village called her Fatou also. We chatted for a few minutes about Dakar, where I was stranded for three days after visiting the future Mrs. Fishpimp. Turns out my Flight was at 1 AM, not 1 PM as I had previously thought. But that’s another story for another entry, it’s time for me to go spend some per diem money on a cocktail!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Another Unfortunate Name

I stated dialing for dollars today. The list I'm working off of is very old. I've already come across several businesses that have closed. The last one really made me laugh. It was a used car lot, and the contact's name was Cory Crook. Any question why they went out of business?

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

First of the Year

This just in from the Fishhouse: the first Simonism of 2006!

"Don’t touch the controls or Keyboard unless you can fly your chair! You are all little pilots!"

Keep 'em coming, boys!

Monday, January 02, 2006

The Girls

Here are the girls. This is what our house looked like for most of last week. These are wonderful dogs for people who want pets that act like furniture 85% of the time or enjoy constantly stepping over and around obstacles in their house.

They're actually very sweet animals, they're just not my style.