Simon & the Baron
Before I get into today's topic I 'd like to pass along the latest Simonism. Regarding a coworker's dislocated shoulder:
"Those take 6 months to heal, and that's on a good day!"
On to today's subject: The Baron. The Baron is Simon's favorite target. He's sanctimonious, corpulent, and barely literate - last year he sent out "Mary Christmas" cards, sparking a rash of Happy Fourth of Julie and Happy Esther jokes. He's also a known tax evader.
We call him the Baron not because he owns huge tracts of land, but for his resemblance to a baron of beef. For those of you not schooled in the butchery arts, a "baron" is essentially the entire hind leg of a cow. Actually, upon reflection, you could say he's got huge tracts of land. His other nicknames include: Pancho Grande, Tubb-o, Big Boy, and Biscuit (he handles Red Lobster and always returns from sales calls with a bag of cheese biscuits)
Simon loves crackin' on the Baron. Any time he gets stressed out he'll rip into the Big boy for instant relief. In fact, so many of Simon's quotables are in regard to the Baron that we created a separate "Baron" section on the list of Simonisms. They make up about 20% of the entire document which is fast approaching 9 pages. Here is a selection of my favorites:
"The Democrats had Bill Clinton, ABC had Pee-wee Herman, and we have the Big Boy."
"You just want someone to do your job while you eat candy."
"One Vicodin? You'd need like 15! Body mass - you'd need an Elephant dose"
"The Baron is back... Or the Baron got back... is that how is goes?"
"If he keeled over in here we'd need 3 stretchers to carry him out!"
"Big Boy! Remember our rule: Don't talk!"
"Baron, you ruined Snohomish County!"
"Do you hear an echo in here? These walls are haunted, and there's nothing worse than a fat ghost."
"Big Boy! Put on your sports bra and lets head downtown!"
"Baron, did you see the video of the prisoners in Iraq? It'll be worse for you."
"Baron, tomorrow I want to see your high school diploma, and not that one you bought off the internet."
"Baron, don't go outside, they might think you're the Ark, you think your accounts are hard? Just wait until you have to swim to shore with 2 of everything."
And my personal favorite, broadcast over P.A. system to all the offices, and through the entire warehouse:
"BIG BOY! STEP AWAY FROM THE CANDY DISH AND PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE COUNTER!!!"
Before I get into today's topic I 'd like to pass along the latest Simonism. Regarding a coworker's dislocated shoulder:
"Those take 6 months to heal, and that's on a good day!"
On to today's subject: The Baron. The Baron is Simon's favorite target. He's sanctimonious, corpulent, and barely literate - last year he sent out "Mary Christmas" cards, sparking a rash of Happy Fourth of Julie and Happy Esther jokes. He's also a known tax evader.
We call him the Baron not because he owns huge tracts of land, but for his resemblance to a baron of beef. For those of you not schooled in the butchery arts, a "baron" is essentially the entire hind leg of a cow. Actually, upon reflection, you could say he's got huge tracts of land. His other nicknames include: Pancho Grande, Tubb-o, Big Boy, and Biscuit (he handles Red Lobster and always returns from sales calls with a bag of cheese biscuits)
Simon loves crackin' on the Baron. Any time he gets stressed out he'll rip into the Big boy for instant relief. In fact, so many of Simon's quotables are in regard to the Baron that we created a separate "Baron" section on the list of Simonisms. They make up about 20% of the entire document which is fast approaching 9 pages. Here is a selection of my favorites:
"The Democrats had Bill Clinton, ABC had Pee-wee Herman, and we have the Big Boy."
"You just want someone to do your job while you eat candy."
"One Vicodin? You'd need like 15! Body mass - you'd need an Elephant dose"
"The Baron is back... Or the Baron got back... is that how is goes?"
"If he keeled over in here we'd need 3 stretchers to carry him out!"
"Big Boy! Remember our rule: Don't talk!"
"Baron, you ruined Snohomish County!"
"Do you hear an echo in here? These walls are haunted, and there's nothing worse than a fat ghost."
"Big Boy! Put on your sports bra and lets head downtown!"
"Baron, did you see the video of the prisoners in Iraq? It'll be worse for you."
"Baron, tomorrow I want to see your high school diploma, and not that one you bought off the internet."
"Baron, don't go outside, they might think you're the Ark, you think your accounts are hard? Just wait until you have to swim to shore with 2 of everything."
And my personal favorite, broadcast over P.A. system to all the offices, and through the entire warehouse:
"BIG BOY! STEP AWAY FROM THE CANDY DISH AND PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE COUNTER!!!"
posted by Fishpimp | 12:28 PM
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