Dead Fish in a Box

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Thursday, March 30, 2006

Chuck Norris Facts

A coworker of mine sent me a 6 page list of facts about Chuck Norris. Here are some of the highlights:

  • Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

  • Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

  • In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

  • The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

  • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

  • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

  • When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

  • The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

  • Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

  • Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

  • Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

  • Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

  • Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

  • In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

  • Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

  • A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.


Blogger Humbaba said...

Chuck Norris doesn't teabag people, he potato-sacks them.

7:56 AM  
Anonymous claytor said...

here the top 10 from the man himself

8:38 AM  
Blogger Humbaba said...

That video is freakin' AWESOME! Chuck's not a great reader, but that's OK.

11:25 AM  

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