Lynnwood Sucks
I hate Lynnwood. I didn’t like it much before I started cycling to work, and now I have far fewer reasons to enjoy it’s less-than-elysian environs. Fist of all, navigating it is as logical as French is phonetic (a subject for a future rant, stay tuned). Growing up in Seattle, I had one good friend who lived up on the Lynnwood/Bothell border; it was next to impossible to find – what’s wrong with planning a city on a grid?! Seriously, he lived on 8th place off of 8th street. The first time I drove myself there I got completely befuddled; I passed 8th ave, 8th place (missed the turn) 8th court, 8th circle, then 8th place a second time. What kind of crap is that? That’s 5 roads named 8th that intersect with a street by the same name. Who comes up with this stuff? Garbage!
More recently I have been experiencing Lynnwood’s lovely traffic experience. Dealing with Alderwood is crap, but, hey, it’s a mall, what do you expect? But negotiating the 196th St./44th Ave area is miserable; most of the roads are rutted out, those that aren’t are perpetually under construction, the lights don’t respond to the crosswalk buttons, and the drivers are the very definition of oblivious. Seriously, I’m taking my life in my hands every time I jump on the bike. At least my morning ride takes place before all the yayhoos have slept off their hangovers. But what is it about seeing a dude riding a bike that turns people into such complete jerks?
Does seeing someone actually exercising & keeping their weight under control send them into a furious rage? Is it the thought of someone breaking solidarity by lessening the nation’s dependence on foreign oil? Does the flashing of my L.E.D. taillight cause them to have a seizure? Perhaps my ass just that good looking in the bike shorts. I wish I knew.
Yesterday, some dude pulled up next to me in his 1990 300 Z and proceeded to rev up his engine. What does he expect me to say? “Yes, I am very impressed with your 16 year old sportscar sir, it’s much better than a camaro. I am astonished by the fact that all the fenders still match the hood, a real rarity in this neighborhood! If I were to race you on my bicycle you almost certainly would win. The spoils of your victory will be your choice of Alderwood’s finest women for your bride. You know what? Take two, they’re cheap!”
I get honked at almost every time I ride. Being from Seattle, where the auto horn was banned back in ’47, I find them especially startling, not to mention rude. Honestly, what does the citizen of Lynnwood accomplish by honking at cyclists? “Hey BillyJimBob! Watch this, I’m gonna honk at this biker, we gonna scare him real good! Hey! Biker! **HonkHoooooonk** Hooboy, we got him good!”
“Yeah Chet, you showed him! But he sure did have a nice ass!”
Yes I do, and my ass hates Lynnwood.
More recently I have been experiencing Lynnwood’s lovely traffic experience. Dealing with Alderwood is crap, but, hey, it’s a mall, what do you expect? But negotiating the 196th St./44th Ave area is miserable; most of the roads are rutted out, those that aren’t are perpetually under construction, the lights don’t respond to the crosswalk buttons, and the drivers are the very definition of oblivious. Seriously, I’m taking my life in my hands every time I jump on the bike. At least my morning ride takes place before all the yayhoos have slept off their hangovers. But what is it about seeing a dude riding a bike that turns people into such complete jerks?
Does seeing someone actually exercising & keeping their weight under control send them into a furious rage? Is it the thought of someone breaking solidarity by lessening the nation’s dependence on foreign oil? Does the flashing of my L.E.D. taillight cause them to have a seizure? Perhaps my ass just that good looking in the bike shorts. I wish I knew.
Yesterday, some dude pulled up next to me in his 1990 300 Z and proceeded to rev up his engine. What does he expect me to say? “Yes, I am very impressed with your 16 year old sportscar sir, it’s much better than a camaro. I am astonished by the fact that all the fenders still match the hood, a real rarity in this neighborhood! If I were to race you on my bicycle you almost certainly would win. The spoils of your victory will be your choice of Alderwood’s finest women for your bride. You know what? Take two, they’re cheap!”
I get honked at almost every time I ride. Being from Seattle, where the auto horn was banned back in ’47, I find them especially startling, not to mention rude. Honestly, what does the citizen of Lynnwood accomplish by honking at cyclists? “Hey BillyJimBob! Watch this, I’m gonna honk at this biker, we gonna scare him real good! Hey! Biker! **HonkHoooooonk** Hooboy, we got him good!”
“Yeah Chet, you showed him! But he sure did have a nice ass!”
Yes I do, and my ass hates Lynnwood.
posted by Fishpimp | 10:06 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home