Notes from the Mid-West
I have just returned from seeing my people in the upper Midwest. From a strict racial perspective, I have tons of people back there. Seriously, there are a lot of white folks in Wisconsin & Minnesota. In the three days I spent in Eau Claire, WI I saw a grand total of one (1) minority. I know race can be a sensitive subject, and while I am a sensitive Fishpimp, I am also a sociologist by training, and in all my travels (which are respectable) I have never encountered an all-Caucasian hotel staff like the one I was served by in America’s Dairy Land. Not to mention the seemingly ubiquitous mullets.
I was back there for the wedding of one of Mrs. Fishpimp’s cousins. The following is a selection of other observations made the past weekend.
It was too cold to run the batting machines, but not cold enough to close the minigolf course – I shot a 5-over par 49 to win the son-in-law open title.
People in Wisconsin refuse to smoke cigars, but love their Winstons. I love having a good cigar at a wedding, but I hate smoking alone, so I tend pick up a 10-pack of mini-macanudos. I don’t usually have a hard time finding takers, but apparently in Wisconsin the cigar smokers are about as rare as the minorities. But there was no shortage of smokers at this wedding – which brings me to my next observation – Most churches in Seattle don’t have industrial-sized ash cans at the doors, but they sure do in Eau Claire. I shouldn’t be surprised; I must be too accustomed to life in the nearly-smoke-free Pacific Northwest.
Here’s another one for you: Anyone who’s every been in a wedding has been told “Don’t lock you knees!” This weekend we found out why. Here’s the story I got from my one-armed physician of a father-in-law: Standing up there in a thick polyester suit, surrounded by candles & lights, trying to stand still and contain one’s emotions causes havoc on one’s body. Blood vessels dilate to get more blood to the extremities, taking heat away from the body’s core. The dilated circulatory system drops the body’s blood pressure, and all that standing means gravity impedes blood flow to the brain – causing the affected person to faint. It has nothing to do with locking one’s knees. Keeping one’s knees unlocked has more to do with damage control than anything else. Here’s what happened: The groom’s kid brother fainted during the ceremony. With locked knees he fell like old growth timber, landing face first on the cement floor, fracturing his jaw in two places, knocking out 3 teeth, and opening up a two-inch gash on his chin. Had his knees been loose he would have just collapsed on himself and would probably be suiting up for baseball practice this afternoon, rather than testing new recipes for hot dish* puree. Don’t lock your knees, people.
* Hot dish = casserole
One more note on Wisconsin weddings: the song that brought the most people to the reception dance floor: “Somewhere over the Rainbow.” I sure didn’t see that one coming. I guess the Cheeseheads have a thing for Judy Garland.
After the wedding we all headed back to Minnesota where the Aunt & Uncle live. The town they reside in is remarkable – it’s 15 minutes from everywhere – the zoo, the Minnesota Institute of the Arts, the science museum, the airport, the good coffee place, but most importantly, it’s 15 minutes from the Mall of America.
Yesterday, while drinking coffee and eating hot dish the family deliberated on what the days activities should consist of. I suggested the M.O.A. I was gently rebuked; we don’t go to malls at home, we surely don’t want to go to one on vacation. Fortunately for me and my morbid M.O.A. fascination, Minnesota is closed on Mondays – or so it seemed – all of the institutions listed above (minus the coffee shop & airport) are closed on Mondays. So we went to the Mall, and it rocked! I caught myself quoting Jake & Elwood blues, saying things like “There’s a lot of space in this mall” and “This place has everything!” Here are my observations on the Mall of America:
· Magnets are really cheap – sometime I write to y’all about my fetish for refrigerator magnets.
· Any mall that has roller-coasters & a Lego land is worth at least one trip.
· I wanted to buy every single thing in the Lake Wobegone Store – sometime I will write to y’all about my obsession with Scandinavian humor – but I will tell you this: I had a very difficult time leaving without a bag of the Ole & Lena Fortune Cookies, however I did purchase the Minnesota Hot Dish Cookbook – when in Rome…
· My final observation: with all the white folks there I’m pretty sure the Mall of America is not affiliated with the School of the Americas.
I was back there for the wedding of one of Mrs. Fishpimp’s cousins. The following is a selection of other observations made the past weekend.
It was too cold to run the batting machines, but not cold enough to close the minigolf course – I shot a 5-over par 49 to win the son-in-law open title.
People in Wisconsin refuse to smoke cigars, but love their Winstons. I love having a good cigar at a wedding, but I hate smoking alone, so I tend pick up a 10-pack of mini-macanudos. I don’t usually have a hard time finding takers, but apparently in Wisconsin the cigar smokers are about as rare as the minorities. But there was no shortage of smokers at this wedding – which brings me to my next observation – Most churches in Seattle don’t have industrial-sized ash cans at the doors, but they sure do in Eau Claire. I shouldn’t be surprised; I must be too accustomed to life in the nearly-smoke-free Pacific Northwest.
Here’s another one for you: Anyone who’s every been in a wedding has been told “Don’t lock you knees!” This weekend we found out why. Here’s the story I got from my one-armed physician of a father-in-law: Standing up there in a thick polyester suit, surrounded by candles & lights, trying to stand still and contain one’s emotions causes havoc on one’s body. Blood vessels dilate to get more blood to the extremities, taking heat away from the body’s core. The dilated circulatory system drops the body’s blood pressure, and all that standing means gravity impedes blood flow to the brain – causing the affected person to faint. It has nothing to do with locking one’s knees. Keeping one’s knees unlocked has more to do with damage control than anything else. Here’s what happened: The groom’s kid brother fainted during the ceremony. With locked knees he fell like old growth timber, landing face first on the cement floor, fracturing his jaw in two places, knocking out 3 teeth, and opening up a two-inch gash on his chin. Had his knees been loose he would have just collapsed on himself and would probably be suiting up for baseball practice this afternoon, rather than testing new recipes for hot dish* puree. Don’t lock your knees, people.
* Hot dish = casserole
One more note on Wisconsin weddings: the song that brought the most people to the reception dance floor: “Somewhere over the Rainbow.” I sure didn’t see that one coming. I guess the Cheeseheads have a thing for Judy Garland.
After the wedding we all headed back to Minnesota where the Aunt & Uncle live. The town they reside in is remarkable – it’s 15 minutes from everywhere – the zoo, the Minnesota Institute of the Arts, the science museum, the airport, the good coffee place, but most importantly, it’s 15 minutes from the Mall of America.
Yesterday, while drinking coffee and eating hot dish the family deliberated on what the days activities should consist of. I suggested the M.O.A. I was gently rebuked; we don’t go to malls at home, we surely don’t want to go to one on vacation. Fortunately for me and my morbid M.O.A. fascination, Minnesota is closed on Mondays – or so it seemed – all of the institutions listed above (minus the coffee shop & airport) are closed on Mondays. So we went to the Mall, and it rocked! I caught myself quoting Jake & Elwood blues, saying things like “There’s a lot of space in this mall” and “This place has everything!” Here are my observations on the Mall of America:
· Magnets are really cheap – sometime I write to y’all about my fetish for refrigerator magnets.
· Any mall that has roller-coasters & a Lego land is worth at least one trip.
· I wanted to buy every single thing in the Lake Wobegone Store – sometime I will write to y’all about my obsession with Scandinavian humor – but I will tell you this: I had a very difficult time leaving without a bag of the Ole & Lena Fortune Cookies, however I did purchase the Minnesota Hot Dish Cookbook – when in Rome…
· My final observation: with all the white folks there I’m pretty sure the Mall of America is not affiliated with the School of the Americas.
posted by Fishpimp | 11:27 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home