Dead Fish in a Box

The chronicles of a suburban fishpimp trying to keep it rural.

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Location: United States

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Simon Says "Bring Donuts!"

Donuts, is there anything they can’t do? – Homer Simpson.

The Rookie formerly known as Baby Huey, now known as The Big Bird overslept. Poor kid. He’s walking around here with a target on his back and he goes and forgets to set the alarm clock. He’s on his way to becoming the next Baron. So he rolls in dressed much nicer than usual (i.e. he actually tucked in his shirt and wore a belt) with 2 boxes of donuts. Word to the Bird, the Bird is the word.

Donuts are a reward here. One may be instantly absolved of any wrongdoing if donuts are presented. One could wear jeans any day of the week if s/he brings donuts. Lose a bet? Donuts. Whiff on sales goals for the week? Donuts. Take up two parking spots in out over croweded parking lot? Sell another rep’s specially ordered monkfish livers, totally ruining his client’s 400-person banquet in the process? Vote for John Kerry? Donuts.

Sleep in? Donuts.

None of us need donuts. There might be one person in here that has a BMI that qualifies them as ‘normal’. Of course anyone who knows anything about the BMI knows it’s bullshit, but my point remains, as a group we’re fat. We don’t need donuts. Perhaps we should have someone bring in SlimFast as a reward.

Unfortunately, Simon doesn’t think that way: “Donuts cures all evils,” He says this morning. “Big Bird, do whatever you want. You can be late every day if you bring donuts.”

Which brings us back to the recurring theme of this Blog: Our Sage of Seafood: Simon. We put the above on the list of Simonisms, along with 5 other gems - we're now upto 20 pages!!!! Here are some highlights of the last week:

* What an industry! They don’t do this at Boeing!
* No wonder you’re looking for a bridge to jump off of, find two, I’ll jump with you!
* Now is not the time to be f***ing up, so if you’re going to get dyslexic, wait until November!
* There’s only one thing you should tell a customer about a new item: “It’s a mild white-fleshed fish. It’s moist & flakey & it tastes like chicken.
* Here we go, he’s vollied the first ball! (fired the first volley).
* It’s not my thigh, I’m just hurtin’ in specific (in general)
*Perception is reality, and as long as I’m sales manager my perception counts!

Have a good one, Amigos, and, as Simon says, “Scorch the Earth!”


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