Dead Fish in a Box

The chronicles of a suburban fishpimp trying to keep it rural.

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Location: United States

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

I'd like to share with you one of our favorite subjects here at the House of Fish: our boss. Simon is his name, and butchering cliches is his game. So much so that it could be said that he has his own dialect. Abotu a 18 months ago I started documenting these "Simonisms". The list is now six full pages of single-spaced 10 pt font.

Here are some of the team's favorites:

Put your ear to the grindstone…
We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.
You’ve got to screw your friends because your enemies don’t come around.
If you don’t go home with a knot in your stomach, you’re not doing the job right.
We’re in psychic lock.
The policy has always been (insert new policy here). We’ve just gotten away from it
Dot your “T’s” and cross your “I’s”
Keep your head down, you’ll last longer.
Us being out of clams is like Dairygold being out of butter.
Do as little as possible to get as much as you can get
Look under every rock and in every hard place
By hook, by crook, or whatever, this is the goddamn fish buisness!!!
I’ve never seen that world peace depends on manila clams, but this is a sensitive issue.
I’m focused on it like a laser beam.
Why do I always skip your name, Mark? Believe me, that’s not a Freudian skip!
If you can’t make a buck on crabmeat, then why get out of bed?
Unless you can contribute to our success, keep your hands off the keys on your keyboard.
If I’m gonna come in just to lose money, shit, I’ll stay home and watch Oprah.
We need to fix our catfish problem before Bush fixes Iraq.
When the upload doesn’t connect with the download and the fish is still here tomorrow, we’re all going to feel terrible
It’s our F*** up, pardon the pun
I know nobody’s gonna be scrambling, because you’ve had more warnings than Bush gave Sadam!
If you can’t make them buy, then cram it down their throat!
It there’s anything I ever say to you, lock and load this, it’s the absolute gospel!
There’s only one way out of this – either drop the price or freeze it.
In a New York second
It’s like a 3-legged stool: it’ll fall over.

Seriously, folks - this guy is a piece of work.



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